Random Transmissions 12: Steven Wright

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.I got a full house and four people died.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. . . . [picks up his glass of water from the stool] . . . I like to live on the edge. . . .

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

This girl told me she was a nymphomaniac but was only attracted to Jewish cowboys... I said, 'Pleased to meet you. My name is Bucky Goldstein.'

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Sorry . . . my mind was wandering . . . One time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.