Thursday, February 16, 2006

A Retort to Carly Simon Regarding Her Charges of Vanity

from McSweeney's via 3QuarksDaily
Dear Carly,

Nice song. Wow, you really stuck it to me, eh? Yes, ma'am.

Jesus, you are one bitter woman, Carly Simon.

Listen, I'm pretty busy right now with high-profile meetings and social engagements, but there were things I simply could not let stand.

First of all, that party took place on a yacht. So the way I walked in was perfectly appropriate. In fact, there is a certain way that one is expected to conduct oneself in such a situation. I could explain but I doubt you're interested. As for the apricot scarf and the tilted hat, again, perfectly appropriate for a maritime soiree. Look it up. I'm sorry you had a problem with that. Funny, there were plenty of girls that night who certainly had no quarrel.

Secondly, yes, I went up to Saratoga for an important horserace. And yes, my horse won, thanks to years of training and the hard work of all the people involved. Is this a bad thing? And yes, I did take the jet to Nova Scotia. I would do it again in an instant. Have you ever seen the total eclipse of the sun, Carly? It's one of the most amazing natural phenomena one could witness, so, if I have the means to see it, I don't see that as vanity, I see it as being fully alive. I also took 35 orphans up there with me, free of charge, but there's nothing about that in your song. All right, I didn't really do that. But I thought about it and that's what matters.

Third, pursuant to your charge that I was with an "underworld spy," I can't discuss that. But I am known to spend time with wives of close friends. And what do I do with said women, Carly? Talk. Have tea. Catch a movie or attend a polo match. These women's husbands are entertainers and travel quite a bit, so I spend time with them, because that's what friends do. And sometimes I have sex with them. But not as often as you might think.
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